It's like God shit irony all over that family
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
