I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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