I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
