Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
