OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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