I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
