There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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