Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
