babies were throwing up all over the place
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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