You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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