i think i have two assholes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
