I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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