Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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