You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
