Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
