How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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