I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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