I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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