I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
