He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
