Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
