Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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