Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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