Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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