i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
