Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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