new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
