i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
