He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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