hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
