This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
