just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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