Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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