YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
