I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
