once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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