Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
