I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
