sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
