My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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