So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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