New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
