just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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