I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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