I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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