I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
