I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
