I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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