Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
