i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
