I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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