oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
